ATAG_Snapper
Nov-18-2012, 17:22
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Your British Commonwealth ATAG Friends
To: Our American ATAG Friends
Sent: Sunday, November 18, 2012 12:46:17 PM
Subject: FW: A Message from the Queen
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
-------------
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence - effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
However, a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left side.
At the same time, you will go metric and
without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline)
of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8.
You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat
and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable, as they are, pound for pound,
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will hereafter be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11.
You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby,
which has some similarities to American football but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.
---------------------
12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series"
for a game which is not played outside of America.
However, since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.
You must tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us all mad.
-----------------
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups,
with saucers, never mugs; with high quality biscuits (Figgy Duffs)
and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
---------------
God Save the Queen!
---------------
PS: For those of you without humour (not "humor"): relax! This is a JOKE! :PP
From: Your British Commonwealth ATAG Friends
To: Our American ATAG Friends
Sent: Sunday, November 18, 2012 12:46:17 PM
Subject: FW: A Message from the Queen
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
-------------
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence - effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
However, a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left side.
At the same time, you will go metric and
without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline)
of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8.
You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat
and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable, as they are, pound for pound,
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will hereafter be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11.
You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby,
which has some similarities to American football but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.
---------------------
12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series"
for a game which is not played outside of America.
However, since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.
You must tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us all mad.
-----------------
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups,
with saucers, never mugs; with high quality biscuits (Figgy Duffs)
and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
---------------
God Save the Queen!
---------------
PS: For those of you without humour (not "humor"): relax! This is a JOKE! :PP